Too Independent to be His Wife-Really?

     My boyfriend and I just had our first clash of egos which actually almost resulted in our dissolution.  Yeah, I know that I am an educated Black woman, with goals and aspirations.  But what I did not realize was that that might have been my hindrance to becoming “Mrs.”.  Don’t get me wrong I have heard it all before, “oh you’re too independent for me”, “you don’t need a man, you can take care of yourself”, yada, yada, yada!  But I always prided myself on the fact that I, unlike my friends who are also professionals, know how to the role of the woman.  In fact, I went so far as learning how to master “downplaying” my success when I met a man, any man, professional or blue-collar.  Not so much that I wanted to mislead him, but that I wanted him to get to know the real me without the prejudices associated with me being an educated Black woman.  So when my significant other actually told me that “I can’t have it both ways, being the traditional woman while taking the liberated woman’s stance” I looked at him in disbelief.  I was thinking, “does he know me at all, I cook, clean and do his laundry. Has he lost his mind?”  But when he broke it down for me, which is one of the things I love about him he can articulate his thoughts better than I can, I completely understood. 

     This is my thing, I believe in my man being the protector, the provider and the final decision maker (for the most part).  I have no problem letting him dictate where go for dinner (even if we should go out at all), prioritize our chores and decide even how we spend money.  My bone of contention is how he thinks I should address conflicts or disagreements.  I thought “playing my role” meant allowing him to make these decisions because they empowered him.  It didn’t dawn on me that his feeling empowered goes way beyond that.  You see, when I challenge him on issues that I think are unsound, illogical or down right insane I go from being this passive-aggressive to being quite dogmatic.  I exercise no diplomacy whatsoever, I mean come on I am a lawyer!  But even as an attorney, I learned how to advocate assertively, even aggressively when necessary, without ruffling any feathers so to speak.  It didn’t matter to him that I did all those other things, to him he saw it as a ruse, doing just enough to get him to do what I wanted.  It wasn’t about me being docile or submissive, it was about me trusting him enough to allow him to make mistakes, knowing that at the end of the day he will make it all better.  So me being the woman grounded in faith, spiritually enlightened and determined to reclaim the Black family, I got it.  That day I learned that it was not about me giving up anything that compromised me being me. It was about reclaiming something that used to be me!



  1. wynona Said:

    I’m sorry, I normally do not make post but this got me thinking. My boyfriend whom I have been with for 4 years and is planning to marry next year is a hyper masculine officer Italian man and 10 years older. Desisions in ourhousehold are made equally. A wife and good women challenges every member of her family to make the best desisions. IN my childhood, I learned to learn from the mistakes from others instead of making them myself and having to learn from them. I would not allow my husband to make a desision for our family without knowing he look at all the pros and cons first. You said you have to trust that he will get you out of whatever mistakes he makes. What if he can not? Where does that leave you and your family? As his wife it is irresponsible to allow any member of your family to unnessarily dring your family down. NOw I am a firm believe its not what you say but how you say it. I am brutally honest when it comes to household desisions and I am not always right. However I expect my boyfriend to challenge me in my thought process as I do him. It seems to me you were winnng your argument and your husband played the independant card because he could not counter your argument.

    • tabloodsaw Said:

      The one thing I failed to mention is that whatever works for your relationship trumps any set rules, unless it’s with regards to common sense. So I believe that in your situation too.

  2. I’m glad that you figured it out sista! The truth is that no one in the world can be more proud of the black woman’s success than the black man. A man would have to be a complete fool not to want his counterpart to do well. However, the problem that most couples face has to do with what I like to call the “attitude of the heart”. In this society where emphasis on materialism and consumerism takes precedence over kindness and generosity; egos and vanity can and most often will damage our heart impairing our God given sense of interdependence. In other words, Black Men AND Black Women have to understand that they are only a -part- of a -whole-. We must not only honor our role but also our mate’s role with respect and admiration. We each have our own Strenghts and Weaknesses, and we must be conscious of them in order to support and appreciate one another; remembering that when disagreements come, egos must go!

    • tabloodsaw Said:

      That is the goal of this blog. To get sistahs and brothas to realize how undeniably interdependent we are on each other. Sans all the external, superficial and sensationalized hoopla, but what and who we are spiritually. Thanks!

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